Jaunted

Tags: The Hills / The-Hills-Season-4-Map / Television Travel / Lauren Conrad / Heidi Montag / Spencer Pratt / The Hills Travel / → All Tags

I'll Show You What A Wife Does

Previously: Whitney interviewed for a job as an "image coordinator" at DVF in New York, but it was so not for the boy. Right. Heidi's boss and sister both told her Spencer was no good, but she didn't listen. "And now he was about to convince her to do something that couldn't be undone." Uh, they don't have divorces in Hillsland?

Spencer surprises Heidi by taking her to Mexico (HotelChatter has the details) with the warning words, "I have a feeling this will be the most memorable vacation of your life." Run! Run away from the boy who believes your relationship is the best when you're creepily alone!

Well, she doesn't run, you know that. Instead she serves Spencer champagne on the terrace in a bikini. Champagne that magically took all her stress away!

Later, they're at dinner -- and Heidi's drinking again! After joking that she won't even remember the conversation because she's so blasted, Spencer says the fateful words, "What if we went off and got married and didn't tell anyone? Whatever substances she may have ingested, Heidi recognizes this idea is "loco en la cabeza," but Spencer declares this is "the only way it's going to work." His response is to order more booze, "even more top shelf than Patron." They should be showing this video as a cautionary tale.

Spencer presses: "It's a secret Mexico wedding. It's for us." He uses that old cliched chick line that he doesn't want to be in a relationship that's "not going anywhere." Then he gives one of his now famous monologues, or it would be if it didn't make Shakespeare cry to say it:

Heidi Montag, when I'm with you you make me want to be nicer. And that's why I'm madly obsessed with you -- that's pretty apparent from the fact that I haven't left your side in nearly two and a half years. I pretty much keep you from the whole world. You're just my angel. Let's just do it, we'll tell nobody, it'll just be by us, for us, about us.

This convinces Heidi, who kisses him with such fervor he says, "Whoa! Save some for the honeymoon!" And before you can say, "But... the tabloids!" they're married. We don't see any of the wedding, just smug Spencer in bed and Heidi complaining about how hung over she is. Then -- and this is really ridiculous -- we watch the wedding video over Spencer's shoulder on his minicam:

MTV, aren't you paying these people to produce good footage? So where is it? And even in the video, Heidi is still drinking. SIGH. But with the hangover setting in, she frets about how she's going to tell her mom. Well, you should have thought of that before, right?

Oh wait, that's weird... Heidi's wearing her supposed wedding ring on the wrong hand. We've been hungover before, but that's a hell of a mistake! Flipped footage, or proof that (as all the other tabloids besides US say) this wedding is a fake fakery?

Meanwhile, at People's Revolution, Whitney finds out she got the job, and as Lauren says, "Dude. Diane von Furstenberg." "We get it, you're not going there for the job. But there is an amazing boy... whom you should date."

At Whitney's going away party, there are balloons, friends... and Whitney's parents.

"You'll come back and see us? Yo yo?" Her mom cries a little, but she's proud.

Audrina tells Lauren and Lo that Stephanie came over earlier asking if she knew where Heidi was because they disappeared. Unfortunately, she doesn't repeat JustinBobby's punch line, which was, "We should put up some signs."

Favorite party moment? When Lauren tells her parents "Whitney's been my advice giver for many years." Oh yeah, like, have you seen our show "The Hills"? That's why she's leaving, because that's all she did!! Ahem.

Instead of advice, Lauren and Whitney spend their going-away lunch reminiscing about their first day at Teen Vogue when Lisa Love made them change. "I came into it as a job, but I wasn't expecting to get a friend." Aw, kids! You'll meet again -- like whenever MTV decides to get you together to do promos. Besides, Whitney has some things about New York to figure out, like, "when I go to the grocery store, do I take a cab there?" Do we have time for a quick airport photo shoot?

'90s-looking minidress: Do not want! Manageable load of luggage: Do want.

Next week, on the season finale: Heidi's mom comes to visit and is, predictably, upset. JustinBobby proposes to Audrina?!?! Spencer takes Heidi to the courthouse, hopefully without the help of Patron. And... holy smokes... Lauren and Heidi meet again, face to face. "I know how to be her best friend and I know how to hate her," says Lauren, "but I don't know how to do anything in between." That's how we feel about this show.

Related Stories:
· Last Week: Kinda Like Growing Up [Jaunted]
· Heidi and Spencer Get Married In Mexico [Jaunted]
· Celeb Travel coverage [Jaunted]

Tags: The Hills / The Hills Travel / The-Hills-Season-4-Map / Lauren Conrad / Whitney Port / Spencer Pratt / The City / → All Tags

Kinda Like Growing Up

Previously: Lauren and Audrina made up, improbably; Stephanie felt slighted by Spencer, probably.

Tonight was another one of those irritating "Time to set up all the good stuff!" episodes with which "The Hills" seems plagued of late. So we'll cut to the chase: Next week on "The Hills," Spencer and Heidi get hitched (as you've all no doubt seen) and Whitney moves to New York City for her new job (as you've all no doubt heard).

That said, here's what happened in our favorite non-neighborhood this week: Thanks to the watchful eye of Kelly Cutrone, Whitney flew to New York City to interview at Diane von Furstenberg. Even though she was only staying in New York for the day, she managed to catch up with her Australian crush Jay, who seemed strangely giddy to see her. How do we know he's her crush?

Very, very subtle.

This is supposed to be the A-plot but there's not much suspense to it. Besides, no real boss finds job interviews for her underlings, with all deference to Grande Dame Cutrone. Even in fake reality TV, we have rules.

Meanwhile, on the West Coast: Lauren's parents are leaving Laguna Beach, so she and Lo (Lo!!!) drive up for the day to pack up LC's adolescent bedroom, including such gems as her old will ("P.S., I would like to be buried in my homecoming dress with my crown on my coffin") and Baby's First Cell Phone:

Tee hee. It's all sad and such, but LC resolves to make LA more like home from now on, despite leaving behind the most Normalsville parents ever:

You have to wonder what they think of this MTV foofaraw, don't you?

Also, Stephanie was back on, then back off again with Cameron, the guy from earlier in the season who didn't defend her ardently enough. ZZZ. Onto the tears and creepy Heidi responding to "Mrs. Pratt."

Related Stories:
· Last Week's Hills: "Disgusting And Embarrassing" [Jaunted]
· Two Weeks Ago: What Is There To Talk About? [Jaunted]
· Celeb Travel coverage [Jaunted]

Tags: The Hills / The Hills Travel / The-Hills-Season-4-Map / Television Travel / Lauren Conrad / → All Tags

I'm Gonna Get You Out Of The Clubs

"Maturity is one of the most key things in relationships I think."

-Justinbobby

Previously: Audrina moved out and tried to unilaterally move in with Justinbobby; Heidi got fired and begged for a pardon; Whitney met a hottie in New York; and Lauren and Holly rekindled their friendship.

"How could it possibly get more complicated?" So after Heidi kicked Holly out because Spencer told her to, Holly moved in with Lauren at the Chatheau. She saw some problems with this (after Whitney helpfully pointed them out to her) but decided it was for the best since Spencer didn't leave the other Montag much of an option. Besides, she's "like Heidi without the Spencer."

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ZOMG! Audrina Confirms Hills Season 5 On East Coast Jaunt

Two weeks ago on "The Hills," Audrina dropped the bombshell that she was moving out of the house she shared with LC and Lo. Today's news from the show's token brunette? Despite rumors to the contrary, "The Hills" is moving ahead with an unprecedented fifth season.

Audrina took a break from making paid appearances at Las Vegas clubs to... make a paid appearance at Harrah's in Atlantic City over the weekend, where she told People magazine, "We have fun with each other and we've stuck it out this long. We might as well do another [season]." Certainly that had nothing to do with the rumored $35,000 that Audrina makes for each episode, right?

Here are our fresh predictions for Season 5: Spencer will relax his hold on Heidi only long enough for her to get comfortable, before yanking the leash again; Audrina won't be able to live with or without Justinbobby and Lauren will regress to season 1 and date Jason Wahler again. What are yours?

Related Stories:
· Last Week's Hills: Whitney Port, Modelizer [Jaunted]
· We're On Hiatus, She's My Bestie [Jaunted]
· Celeb Travel coverage [Jaunted]

[Photo: Celebrity-Gossip.net]

Tags: The Hills / The Hills Travel / The-Hills-Season-4-Map / Television Travel / Lauren Conrad / → All Tags

You Know How That Story Goes

Follow your dreams but not too far: Check out where the ladies went last night on "The Hills" with our Season 4 Map.

We wouldn't say it if we didn't love it, but... the best part of this week's episode of "The Hills" was the "Next week..." segment. Next Week in LCland, Audrina moves out of the Chatheau and in with JustinBobby, and Heidi loses her job because it can't compete with Spencer. And neither of those plots, apparently, could be saved for this week's drama-free plate of leftovers.

Oh, you still want to know what happened this week? Well, gather 'round...

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The Hills Travel: That's... Loyalty

"If She Never Met Spencer..." how would we know where they were going? Good thing we put all down on the Hills Season 4 Map.

Previously: Justin and Spencer are still jerks. Audrina and Heidi are still in denial.

This week, Holly continued to work on her application for sainthood by acting as a go-between--or as Lauren put it, "trying to play matchmaker"--between her and Heidi. When Heidi protests that their friendship ended over "something I had nothing to do with" over lunch at Cuvee, Holly suggests she write LC a letter and explain herself.

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The Hills Travel: People Do Crazy Things When They're Mad

Previously on "The Hills": LC L'd Paris, Whitney got anxious, Spencer tried to make it right and Heidi looked a fright.

If this week's primo double episode had a theme, it was ch-ch-changes! The biggest one being that everyone's favorite drama-fraught couple is, well, still fraught with drama. Spencer moved out of the place he shared with former fiancee Heidi and in with his sister Stephanie, who is none too pleased with her brother's behavior.

A few quick exchanges showed that while Heidi thinks she and Spencer are going to rebuild their relationship from square one, Spencer is stoked about the possibility of bringing other ladies home to see his 42" TV. You say tomato, I say gonorrhea.

Heidi's back at work at Bolthouse (7966 Beverly Blvd.), the job she applied for in Season One so she wouldn't have to go to school.

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The Hills Travel: It Just Didn't Seem Quite... Natural To Me

OMG! "The Hills" is back, but barely in the Hills at all this week. In the first of eight episodes remaining in this season -- what MTV billed as the "season 3.5 premiere" -- LC and Whitney take Paris by storm, Heidi tries to heal her soul with some skiing, and Audrina holds down the fort off-camera. Boy, did we miss yelling at the screen that much.

Before the hiatus, LC and Whitney found out Teen Vogue editrix Lisa Love was sending them to Paris to cover the Bal de Crillon, one of the most famous debutante events in the world. (Famous debutantes at the Crillon Ball not in this episode: Phil Collins' daughter, Pele's goddaughter and RFK's granddaughter.)

When they get to Paris, LC and Whitney immediately pick up their ball dresses at Alberta Ferretti (418 Rue St Honoré) before they even hit their luxury accommodations at Le Grand Hotel (2 Rue Scribe). After a frantic early-morning trip to Colette (213 Rue St Honoré) to get shoes for the Teen Vogue photo shoot at the Hotel Crillon (10 Place Concorde), they go out on the town with some cute French boys who suggest drinking champagne underneath the Eiffel Tower.

Aww, c'est jolie! But not all is bubbly and roses:

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