A quick scan of the prices puts my plans in perspective. Let's just say I'll need to write about a million more Jaunted entries to be able to afford an acceptable superyacht, and that doesn't even account for the crew. But that doesn't mean I can't have fun dreaming, which is exactly what we did last night. After putting Zach to bed, Jenn and I split a bottle of Ommegang and perused the pages of this amazingly slick and heavy magazine, becoming harsher superyacht critics with every page. Here's what we learned.
First of all, I can't imagine that there's a whole lot of demand for superyachts these days, what with everybody's money evaporating some time around last September, but you'd never know it from reading Burgess Superyacht Living. Page after page of superyacht porn gives the impression that everybody has one, and you're missing out on a hell of a party if you don't. I grabbed the magazine thinking I'd have a little fun with it, but the truth is, it's an extremely high-quality publication. As one would expect, the art and photography are flawless, but the editorial content is top notch as well, with a slew of well-known writers and profiles of some serious celebrities. (How did they get Eric Clapton to cooperate? Free boat ride, I guess.) And how large, exactly, is its intended readership? This can't just be for those who actually buy and charter superyachts, can it?
I don't know who the "right" readers are, but now I know how they suffer. Did you know, for example, that there are times when your on board wine cellar might not suffice? You could have your captain or chief steward try to find more wine in the nearest port, but "local merchants are unlikely to have the precise range of vintages you may require." So what the hell do I do? Fortunately, the Antique Wine Company has a "private plane in the South of France that can deliver wine within 48 hours to any Mediterranean port." Forty Eight hours, people? Please.
As far as the boats are concerned, we loved looking at the pictures of the exteriors and deck areas, but agreed that the interiors of nearly all of them were boring and uninspired. All those cream-colored sofas and tan walls wouldn't be out of place in a Boynton Beach living room. Would Jay-Z or Diddy really chill in a superyacht that could double as a retirement home?
The more we drank, the easier it was to dismiss the lesser yachts as loser yachts. We liked the sexy lines of Kaleido Beau (13 million euros), for example, until we saw Kogo, where a mere 476,000 euros a week gets you a boat where sultry models gaze off into the distance and the staff serves champagne, caviar, and gold-flecked desserts to guests dressed in evening wear. Bad Girl, meanwhile, has a comfy-looking sun deck, but the pool seems entirely too small. Can't you superyacht people do better than that?
The closest we'll probably get to a superyacht is a rented ocean kayak in Florida, but that's just fine, because we'll be having as much fun as any of those moguls on their floating palaces. Or so we'll tell ourselves.
[Photo: Victor Ozols]