Jaunted

Lily and Bart's plan backfires in a big way when Serena decides to tell a reporter at the party just how crazy their lives were while Mom was still single. We only get tantalizing snatches of stories about "German Klaus" and "Danish Claus," "family colonics" and "our brief converstion to Islam," but in the end, they can all laugh about it. We presume that means we'll be seeing more of Erik's boyfriend, Jonathan (played by Matt Doyle), who appeared out of nowhere at brunch. What, no meet-cute?

But that's nothing compared to what Blair and Chuck are up to...

After weeks of referencing "Cruel Intentions," the 1999 flick starring then-teen stars Sarah Michelle Gellar and Ryan Philippe, "Gossip Girl" goes full on Dangerous Liaisons when Vanessa blackmails Blair into supporting her anti-development protest when a local bar goes up for sale. (She still has pictures of Marcus and mum on her phone.)

In retaliation, Blair asks Chuck to seduce Vanessa to get back at both her and Nate, who is having a "bromance" with Dan. When the Bass master doesn't immediately succeed, Blair sweetens the pot by promising she'll sleep with him--and when he doesn't win, but sufficiently humiliates her (when it is discovered he used his dad's company to place the bid), she decides to, er, award him the win. She even taunts him by referring to a visit to Manhattan salon the J Sisters, home of the famous Brazilian wax.

But Chuck suddenly discovers his heart:

"Say those three words you wanted me to say."

"Are you kidding?"

As Gossip Girl says, "We think we've heard this story before, and we're pretty sure it ended up with everyone dead."

Also, Dan inadvertently discovers that Nate is squatting in his seized Manhattan apartment while Mom hides in the Hamptons. Apparently, this is what poor looks like:

Note to the set dressers: There are air mattresses at Bed, Bath & Beyond for $60. Or so we've heard.

Next week: Jenny makes a toxic new friend, and Serena meets a new boy.

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