Jaunted

Richard looks very... blonde. The audience cheers.

STEPHEN: Do you have one of these at home?

RICHARD: What, an audience?

STEPHEN: People to cheer for you?

RICHARD: They're, they're very fun. (To audience) Hey, you've got to come back home to London and cheer for me! The crowd goes wild. You've got competition now.

STEPHEN: Well, I don't know how much competition I have because you've jumped on the Colbert train and have named one of your airplanes after me. Want to tell the audience what it's called?

RICHARD: Not only one but the very first one is named Air Colbert. Cheers.

STEPHEN: Obviously, obviously this is a great honor and you are welcome. Why? Why?

RICHARD: Well we're based in San Francisco...

STEPHEN: Excuse me?

RICHARD: We're based in San Francisco and we want to try to win over the Republicans for the rest of America.

STEPHEN: Well, you realize that every single person that gets on that plane is going to be a member of the Colbert Army. Richard looks puzzled. De facto. There are going to be storm troopers of INTOLERANCE and they're going to go to San Francisco and infiltrate the entire thing out there.

RICHARD: I, I think we need to have a word about this.

STEPHEN: Oh really?

RICHARD: We have named the plane, we're not going to give away every single seat in the plane.

STEPHEN: I don't understand. I at least get to fly it, right? I mean, obviously take-offs and landings are hard, but... I can do a barrel roll or something like that.

RICHARD: I'll lend you one of our hot air balloons to fly. [Ed. Note: Man, Sir Richard Branson is so TOOTHY.]

STEPHEN: You did, you're an adventurer, you've gone all over the world in your hot air balloons and zeppelins. I think you went across the English Channel on a zip line? Did you do something like that?

RICHARD: I think if you try to fly one of the planes, maybe we could take you up as the ballast of the hot air balloon?

STEPHEN: That'd be great, unless that's a threat.

RICHARD: It was a little threat.

STEPHEN: A little threat, okay. The goatee makes you look like a Bond villian. You live on an island, right?

RICHARD: I like to think of myself as Doctor Yes, not Doctor No.

STEPHEN: By the way, people call you the Rebel Billionaire Richard scoffs -- oh, come on, they call you that. That's your marketing plan at work. Let's prove right now that you're a rebel billionaire. Let's have you he takes out a pen write an IOU to me right now for one million dollars, OK? This'll prove it in two ways, because if you're a billionaire, a million means NOTHING to you. And if you're a rebel, your accountants are like, "Don't do it!" and you're like, "F-ck you, I'm a rebel!" cheers "I'm gonna do it!"

RICHARD (to audience): Does he look like he needs money?

STEPHEN: I don't have health insurance, look at this thing! He flashes his wrist brace from when he broke his arm on the set a few weeks ago.

RICHARD: Do you think he should be the most wanting person to have a million dollars? If you think so I'll give him a million dollars.

STEPHEN: They are a ZOMBIE ARMY.

RICHARD: Should I wait until he breaks his other wrist...

STEPHEN: For a million dollars you can gnaw off the stump. Look, I understand, it's just a marketing campaign. Now obviously it's a brand new airplane, it's a brand new service, it's a spotless safety record. How can we make sure that on this plane Jesus is my copilot?

RICHARD: From everything I've heard about you, wouldn't that go without saying?

STEPHEN: Absolutely. There's a halo...

RICHARD: The reason we named the plane after you was because we were told we wouldn't need any fuel. Nobody gets it. A lot of hot air?

STEPHEN: Are you saying I'm full of sh-t? Big toothy grin from Richard. I don't know if many people ask you this, I've had a lot of billionaires on this show -- you're my fifth billionaire. Is it good or bad to be a billionaire? How does it feel, good or bad?
RICHARD: Ummm... It's all right, really.

STEPHEN mocking: It's okay.

RICHARD: Breakfast, lunch, dinner.

STEPHEN: Right, right. Thank you so --

RICHARD cuts him off, to audience: Now I came on here to plug my airline--

STEPHENto audience: Did we NOT just plug his airline?

RICHARD: We never talked about MY airline--

STEPHEN: Okay, let's talk about your airline. Puts his feet up on the desk.

RICHARD: Okay, my airline is, is Virgin America, we're starting tomorrow, we're taking on the big guys, and all he talks about is HIS AIRLINE. On "his airline," Richard picks up his mug and throws his water at Stephen. It happens so fast Stephen doesn't even have time to react. Richard smiles at the audience, who are cheering.

Reaction shot of Stephen smiling.

Richard puts his feet up on the desk. Stephen gestures to someone offstage who hands him a bottle of water and squirts it at Richard, who is still smiling. Then he chucks the plastic bottle at Richard.

So toothy.

STEPHEN: Thank you so much for being my guest.

RICHARD: Well, thank you very much for having us.

STEPHEN: Richard Branson. We'll be right back.

As the show emblem comes up they are shaking hands. But, then again, Stephen does that with all of his guests.

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