Jaunted

• For reasons that will quickly become clear, you should wash your hands before sitting down. The sink is usually in an easy-to-spot place, but ask if you don't see it.
  
• When the waiter comes, you'll have two choices -- veg or non-veg. If the place is vegetarian, make that one choice.
  
• Get yourself some chilled bottled water while you're at it.
  
• Thalis are traditional, and that means you're going to eat with your hands. Well, hand. Lots of left hands take the place of toilet paper here in India, so using them to eat with just isn't done. Sit on your "dirty" hand or put it up on the table to stop yourself from using it for food. (You can use your left hand to grab bowls and pour things, however.)
  
• When your thali comes, it'll have eight of so smaller bowls lined up along the outer edge, with maybe a little bread or something in the center. If you're lucky, the plate will be lined with a banana leaf. That's pretty cool, right?
  
• Give yourself some room by taking all the little bowls out of the plate and putting the bread to the side. Let the banana leaf be.
  
• Exactly what you'll get depends on the place, but you'll always get a heap of rice in one bowl. Dump it in the center.
  
• Now pour away, adding a little of this and that from the little bowls without making it all too watery. It's a little hard to grab rice with one hand, but if you've come this far, it's OK to be a little sloppy. Try to avoid getting too much on your chin, though.
  
• Remember the sink? When you're done eating, you'll probably want to visit it again to get the slowly solidifying rice off your knuckles.
  
• When the bill comes, it'll usually come atop toothpicks and a small mound of anise or fennel seeds. Chew a pinch of the seeds to get your breath all nice.
  
• Go forth and brag about thali to all your friends.

(I'm indebted to Lonely Planet's clever book on all things Indian and edible, World Food India.)