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Tags: The Hills / The-Hills-Season-4-Map / Television Travel / Lauren Conrad / Heidi Montag / Spencer Pratt / The Hills Travel / → All Tags

I'll Show You What A Wife Does

Previously: Whitney interviewed for a job as an "image coordinator" at DVF in New York, but it was so not for the boy. Right. Heidi's boss and sister both told her Spencer was no good, but she didn't listen. "And now he was about to convince her to do something that couldn't be undone." Uh, they don't have divorces in Hillsland?

Spencer surprises Heidi by taking her to Mexico (HotelChatter has the details) with the warning words, "I have a feeling this will be the most memorable vacation of your life." Run! Run away from the boy who believes your relationship is the best when you're creepily alone!

Well, she doesn't run, you know that. Instead she serves Spencer champagne on the terrace in a bikini. Champagne that magically took all her stress away!

Later, they're at dinner -- and Heidi's drinking again! After joking that she won't even remember the conversation because she's so blasted, Spencer says the fateful words, "What if we went off and got married and didn't tell anyone? Whatever substances she may have ingested, Heidi recognizes this idea is "loco en la cabeza," but Spencer declares this is "the only way it's going to work." His response is to order more booze, "even more top shelf than Patron." They should be showing this video as a cautionary tale.

Spencer presses: "It's a secret Mexico wedding. It's for us." He uses that old cliched chick line that he doesn't want to be in a relationship that's "not going anywhere." Then he gives one of his now famous monologues, or it would be if it didn't make Shakespeare cry to say it:

Heidi Montag, when I'm with you you make me want to be nicer. And that's why I'm madly obsessed with you -- that's pretty apparent from the fact that I haven't left your side in nearly two and a half years. I pretty much keep you from the whole world. You're just my angel. Let's just do it, we'll tell nobody, it'll just be by us, for us, about us.

This convinces Heidi, who kisses him with such fervor he says, "Whoa! Save some for the honeymoon!" And before you can say, "But... the tabloids!" they're married. We don't see any of the wedding, just smug Spencer in bed and Heidi complaining about how hung over she is. Then -- and this is really ridiculous -- we watch the wedding video over Spencer's shoulder on his minicam:

MTV, aren't you paying these people to produce good footage? So where is it? And even in the video, Heidi is still drinking. SIGH. But with the hangover setting in, she frets about how she's going to tell her mom. Well, you should have thought of that before, right?

Oh wait, that's weird... Heidi's wearing her supposed wedding ring on the wrong hand. We've been hungover before, but that's a hell of a mistake! Flipped footage, or proof that (as all the other tabloids besides US say) this wedding is a fake fakery?

Meanwhile, at People's Revolution, Whitney finds out she got the job, and as Lauren says, "Dude. Diane von Furstenberg." "We get it, you're not going there for the job. But there is an amazing boy... whom you should date."

At Whitney's going away party, there are balloons, friends... and Whitney's parents.

"You'll come back and see us? Yo yo?" Her mom cries a little, but she's proud.

Audrina tells Lauren and Lo that Stephanie came over earlier asking if she knew where Heidi was because they disappeared. Unfortunately, she doesn't repeat JustinBobby's punch line, which was, "We should put up some signs."

Favorite party moment? When Lauren tells her parents "Whitney's been my advice giver for many years." Oh yeah, like, have you seen our show "The Hills"? That's why she's leaving, because that's all she did!! Ahem.

Instead of advice, Lauren and Whitney spend their going-away lunch reminiscing about their first day at Teen Vogue when Lisa Love made them change. "I came into it as a job, but I wasn't expecting to get a friend." Aw, kids! You'll meet again -- like whenever MTV decides to get you together to do promos. Besides, Whitney has some things about New York to figure out, like, "when I go to the grocery store, do I take a cab there?" Do we have time for a quick airport photo shoot?

'90s-looking minidress: Do not want! Manageable load of luggage: Do want.

Next week, on the season finale: Heidi's mom comes to visit and is, predictably, upset. JustinBobby proposes to Audrina?!?! Spencer takes Heidi to the courthouse, hopefully without the help of Patron. And... holy smokes... Lauren and Heidi meet again, face to face. "I know how to be her best friend and I know how to hate her," says Lauren, "but I don't know how to do anything in between." That's how we feel about this show.

Related Stories:
· Last Week: Kinda Like Growing Up [Jaunted]
· Heidi and Spencer Get Married In Mexico [Jaunted]
· Celeb Travel coverage [Jaunted]