Keeping up with LC, Audrina, Heidi and the rest of LA's most notorious reality TV stars.

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I'll Show You What A Wife Does

December 16, 2008 at 8:45 AM | by | ()

Previously: Whitney interviewed for a job as an "image coordinator" at DVF in New York, but it was so not for the boy. Right. Heidi's boss and sister both told her Spencer was no good, but she didn't listen. "And now he was about to convince her to do something that couldn't be undone." Uh, they don't have divorces in Hillsland?

Spencer surprises Heidi by taking her to Mexico (HotelChatter has the details) with the warning words, "I have a feeling this will be the most memorable vacation of your life." Run! Run away from the boy who believes your relationship is the best when you're creepily alone!

Well, she doesn't run, you know that. Instead she serves Spencer champagne on the terrace in a bikini. Champagne that magically took all her stress away!

Later, they're at dinner -- and Heidi's drinking again! After joking that she won't even remember the conversation because she's so blasted, Spencer says the fateful words, "What if we went off and got married and didn't tell anyone? Whatever substances she may have ingested, Heidi recognizes this idea is "loco en la cabeza," but Spencer declares this is "the only way it's going to work." His response is to order more booze, "even more top shelf than Patron." They should be showing this video as a cautionary tale.

Spencer presses: "It's a secret Mexico wedding. It's for us." He uses that old cliched chick line that he doesn't want to be in a relationship that's "not going anywhere." Then he gives one of his now famous monologues, or it would be if it didn't make Shakespeare cry to say it:

Heidi Montag, when I'm with you you make me want to be nicer. And that's why I'm madly obsessed with you -- that's pretty apparent from the fact that I haven't left your side in nearly two and a half years. I pretty much keep you from the whole world. You're just my angel. Let's just do it, we'll tell nobody, it'll just be by us, for us, about us.

This convinces Heidi, who kisses him with such fervor he says, "Whoa! Save some for the honeymoon!" And before you can say, "But... the tabloids!" they're married. We don't see any of the wedding, just smug Spencer in bed and Heidi complaining about how hung over she is. Then -- and this is really ridiculous -- we watch the wedding video over Spencer's shoulder on his minicam:

MTV, aren't you paying these people to produce good footage? So where is it? And even in the video, Heidi is still drinking. SIGH. But with the hangover setting in, she frets about how she's going to tell her mom. Well, you should have thought of that before, right?

Oh wait, that's weird... Heidi's wearing her supposed wedding ring on the wrong hand. We've been hungover before, but that's a hell of a mistake! Flipped footage, or proof that (as all the other tabloids besides US say) this wedding is a fake fakery?

Meanwhile, at People's Revolution, Whitney finds out she got the job, and as Lauren says, "Dude. Diane von Furstenberg." "We get it, you're not going there for the job. But there is an amazing boy... whom you should date."

At Whitney's going away party, there are balloons, friends... and Whitney's parents.

"You'll come back and see us? Yo yo?" Her mom cries a little, but she's proud.

Audrina tells Lauren and Lo that Stephanie came over earlier asking if she knew where Heidi was because they disappeared. Unfortunately, she doesn't repeat JustinBobby's punch line, which was, "We should put up some signs."

Favorite party moment? When Lauren tells her parents "Whitney's been my advice giver for many years." Oh yeah, like, have you seen our show "The Hills"? That's why she's leaving, because that's all she did!! Ahem.

Instead of advice, Lauren and Whitney spend their going-away lunch reminiscing about their first day at Teen Vogue when Lisa Love made them change. "I came into it as a job, but I wasn't expecting to get a friend." Aw, kids! You'll meet again -- like whenever MTV decides to get you together to do promos. Besides, Whitney has some things about New York to figure out, like, "when I go to the grocery store, do I take a cab there?" Do we have time for a quick airport photo shoot?

'90s-looking minidress: Do not want! Manageable load of luggage: Do want.

Next week, on the season finale: Heidi's mom comes to visit and is, predictably, upset. JustinBobby proposes to Audrina?!?! Spencer takes Heidi to the courthouse, hopefully without the help of Patron. And... holy smokes... Lauren and Heidi meet again, face to face. "I know how to be her best friend and I know how to hate her," says Lauren, "but I don't know how to do anything in between." That's how we feel about this show.

Related Stories:
· Last Week: Kinda Like Growing Up [Jaunted]
· Heidi and Spencer Get Married In Mexico [Jaunted]
· Celeb Travel coverage [Jaunted]

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Kinda Like Growing Up

December 9, 2008 at 8:45 AM | by | ()

Previously: Lauren and Audrina made up, improbably; Stephanie felt slighted by Spencer, probably.

Tonight was another one of those irritating "Time to set up all the good stuff!" episodes with which "The Hills" seems plagued of late. So we'll cut to the chase: Next week on "The Hills," Spencer and Heidi get hitched (as you've all no doubt seen) and Whitney moves to New York City for her new job (as you've all no doubt heard).

That said, here's what happened in our favorite non-neighborhood this week: Thanks to the watchful eye of Kelly Cutrone, Whitney flew to New York City to interview at Diane von Furstenberg. Even though she was only staying in New York for the day, she managed to catch up with her Australian crush Jay, who seemed strangely giddy to see her. How do we know he's her crush?

Very, very subtle.

This is supposed to be the A-plot but there's not much suspense to it. Besides, no real boss finds job interviews for her underlings, with all deference to Grande Dame Cutrone. Even in fake reality TV, we have rules.

Meanwhile, on the West Coast: Lauren's parents are leaving Laguna Beach, so she and Lo (Lo!!!) drive up for the day to pack up LC's adolescent bedroom, including such gems as her old will ("P.S., I would like to be buried in my homecoming dress with my crown on my coffin") and Baby's First Cell Phone:

Tee hee. It's all sad and such, but LC resolves to make LA more like home from now on, despite leaving behind the most Normalsville parents ever:

You have to wonder what they think of this MTV foofaraw, don't you?

Also, Stephanie was back on, then back off again with Cameron, the guy from earlier in the season who didn't defend her ardently enough. ZZZ. Onto the tears and creepy Heidi responding to "Mrs. Pratt."

Related Stories:
· Last Week's Hills: "Disgusting And Embarrassing" [Jaunted]
· Two Weeks Ago: What Is There To Talk About? [Jaunted]
· Celeb Travel coverage [Jaunted]

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"Disgusting And Embarrassing"

December 2, 2008 at 8:45 AM | by | ()

Previously: Spencer turned his back on his flesh and blood like a cold blooded gangsta. And for once, we agreed with JustinBobby when he called the rumor about him hooking up with LC "fictitious."

So Audrina is still upset that Lauren is upset... because she accused her of being a woman of loose morals. (That's right, it's Jane Austen week on "The Hills"!) And JustinBobby is still upset that Audrina believed "Dino," the rumormonger who should get some screen-time stat because she no longer believes him. But who will plant those seeds of precious doubt!?

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What Is There To Talk About?

November 25, 2008 at 8:00 AM | by | ()

Previously: Heidi got her job back (fake!); Holly started crashing at the Chatheau, and Audrina was happy. Not for long!

Hey, it's a big game of telephone this week! Audrina heard from her friend Dino ("who I've known for, like, two years") that Lauren and JustinBobby hooked up. And, because we're in Hillsland, she believed it.

"I started laughing when she asked me," Lauren told Lo. In fact, she's insulted because Audrina called her "shady" and slutty, and told all their mutual friends like Speak Truth To Power Brody.

Lauren: "Yes, I couldn't resist his charm and his manners and his hygiene. I was under the JustinBobby spell."

Then... hey! Audrina came back to the Chatheau and said, "You need to, like, converse with me." Because Lauren wouldn't deny it again, Audrina turned on her heels and walked out. She still hasn't talked to JustinBobby about it, although she keeps calling him to check on "all the things that people keep putting in my ear." And in the most obvious Hills sound cue since ever, the song that plays right after that message goes "You may have reasons to ignore what you're hearing." And we say: Yes.

When Audrina finally meets with JustinBobby... well, surprise. He gets mad at the fact that she would even believe it and leave him a passel of angry messages. Are we on the same side as HatHead? Oh, how times have changed.

Audrina's sister Casey: "Are you going to apologize?" Audrina: "What's there to apologize about?"

So their scheduled barside peace summit devolves into a shouting match that culminates in Lauren saying, "I would rather kill myself than hook up with him," and saying Audrina is "way worse than Heidi." Oh, the things we say in anger!

Meanwhile, in Heidiwood, Holly or "Little Miss Traitor" came by to visit, but only Spencer was there. "That's one thing Heidi and I definitely have in common is unloyal sisters," Spencer told her, implying that her own sister wouldn't see her. Hey, is this a test?

So Holly went to see Heidi in the one place Spencer never goes: Work! "I've never felt so unwelcome and unwanted," Holly said, but Heidi is still mad that she took up Lauren's offer. But really, the problem here is Spencer, who "forgot" to tell Heidi that her sister stopped by. And is a huge jerk anyway. And that's all we get from our favorite newlyweds.

Next week: All over but the white flag wavin' as Stephanie and Spencer reunite (is that Grandma Pratt? Let it be so!) and Audrina finds it within herself to apologize.

Related Stories:
· Last Week: I'm Gonna Get You Out Of The Clubs [Jaunted]
· Two Weeks Ago: Whitney Port, Modelizer [Jaunted]
· Celeb Travel coverage [Jaunted]

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I'm Gonna Get You Out Of The Clubs

November 18, 2008 at 8:45 AM | by | ()

"Maturity is one of the most key things in relationships I think."


Previously: Audrina moved out and tried to unilaterally move in with Justinbobby; Heidi got fired and begged for a pardon; Whitney met a hottie in New York; and Lauren and Holly rekindled their friendship.

"How could it possibly get more complicated?" So after Heidi kicked Holly out because Spencer told her to, Holly moved in with Lauren at the Chatheau. She saw some problems with this (after Whitney helpfully pointed them out to her) but decided it was for the best since Spencer didn't leave the other Montag much of an option. Besides, she's "like Heidi without the Spencer."

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Whitney Port, Modelizer

November 11, 2008 at 8:50 AM | by | ()

Previously: Heidi got fired from her job at Bolthouse after getting visibly drunk at a work event. (It's called stealth, lady!) And Whitney went to New York City for work and met a male model named Alex.

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Are You Working?

November 4, 2008 at 8:30 AM | by | ()

"It's Her Move" but it's your night out, so let the Hills Season 4 Travel Map be your guide.

Previously: "It had been a long time since Spencer embarrassed Heidi in front of her bosses," warns the voiceover. Also, JustinBobby exerted a freaky pull over Audrina... again.

Hey, remember that Heidi has a job? She does! And this week she has a major responsibility working the opening of the latest Bolthouse project, XIV Restaurant. Sam Nazarian, from last season's Vegas denouement, is there to remind Heidi of how she screwed things up. Yet apparently she doesn't remember because she's planning to invite Spencer. "What's one more on the guest list... what's the harm?" she says to her coworker Kimberly, who appears to be ferociously biting her tongue. (Clearly she's seen the DVDs.)

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You Know How That Story Goes

October 28, 2008 at 8:52 AM | by | ()

Follow your dreams but not too far: Check out where the ladies went last night on "The Hills" with our Season 4 Map.

We wouldn't say it if we didn't love it, but... the best part of this week's episode of "The Hills" was the "Next week..." segment. Next Week in LCland, Audrina moves out of the Chatheau and in with JustinBobby, and Heidi loses her job because it can't compete with Spencer. And neither of those plots, apparently, could be saved for this week's drama-free plate of leftovers.

Oh, you still want to know what happened this week? Well, gather 'round...

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The Hills Travel: Did You Guys Invite Sleazies?

October 21, 2008 at 8:45 AM | by | ()

Previously: Oh, who cares. We're going to Cabo!!!

Fans of "Laguna Beach" will remember the famed "Cabo Trip" episode from Season 1, in which Lauren was forced to stare down Kristin Cavallari for the affections of her then-crush. (We weren't in this game back then, but you can always read the TVGasm recap.) The drunkenness! The drama!

It's a little different this time, and not just because Brody flew everyone in his private plane to a giant house. "I think we should all leave our problems behind," Lauren says on the plane. "Except Audrina, she brought hers with her." That problem's name is J-U-S-T-I-N (B-O-B-B-Y), who has a new look for the trip:

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The Hills Travel: Drowning in Dudes

October 14, 2008 at 8:45 AM | by | ()

"Who To Choose?" But you don't have to ask where to choose -- our Hills Season 4 Map will tell you when to go.

Previously: JustinBobby threatened to disrupt Audrina's newly minted dating life; Holly attempted to mediate between long-ago besties LC and Heidi.

We'll say this: The re-introduction of Audrina's romantic life has re-injected drama into "The Hills." And we oughta love it: Last week it was Colin of the Barry Watson hair; this week, Corey from Australia charms her and comes over for cereal besides.

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The Hills Travel: What Up, Shady Guy?

September 30, 2008 at 8:45 AM | by | ()

"Don't Act Innocent..." You know which way is up. Get informed with our Hills Season 4 Map.

Previously: Lauren went away and everyone had lots of fun without her. Hope y'all enjoyed it, 'cause it's over.

This week's episode opens with LC with boxing gloves on. Cue, much? Even the personal trainer weighs in on Lauren's dilemma as she and Whitney work out: Should she let Stephanie go ahead and date her ex? Or should she make a deal out of it? Please, this is TV. We have to make a deal out of it.

Here's how it went down:

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The Hills Travel: There Are A Hundred Million Guys In This City!

September 23, 2008 at 8:45 AM | by | ()

Let the mice play "When Lauren's Away" at our Hills Season 4 Map.

Previously: Holly and Lauren had a summit of sorts, and Audrina finally saw the JustinBobby we all see.

A couple weeks ago, when data on the ridiculously inflated "salaries" of the people on "The Hills" was leaked, we wondered not why LC was making so much but why glorified cameo players like Brody and Stephanie were making anything for essentially being friends with LC. Well, this week they had to step up their game when LC went to Italy on vacation and suddenly they needed to start creating some plot. Well, it sort of worked!

While Lauren was out, Audrina and Lo buried the hatchet. And just in time, because Stephanie came over to ask Audrina's advice about the cute guy that just asked her out -- Duh Doug! She ought to wait to go out with him, but...

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