Lauren is not happy to see her nemesis on the boat, but since they're (barely) out at seat at the moment, she can't exactly tell her to walk the plank. Because that would be awesome, and we can't have that. When Stephanie tries to mediate, LC cuts her off, saying she and Heidi will never really be friends again.
To further cut down on drama, Heidi and Stephanie lie to Spencer about where they're going, but the boy has a surprise of his own: He and his sad excuse for a posse head over to a bar called The Dime, where he hits on the skanky bartendress. But Cameron, Stephanie's kinda-fling from last year, catches up with him and decides to let lil' sis know what Spencer is up to. And like a horrible game of telephone, the news gets around to Heidi that her almost-husband is lying on a bed with a dozen hookers, and she insists on getting off the boat. Since she can't, she settles for calling up Spencer and reading him the riot act.
Spencer challenges Cameron to the lamest of fistfights for tattling on him, while Lauren tries to placate Heidi on the boat. It must have worked, because Heidi waits until the next day to stomp over to The Dime and confront this bartendress, alias Stacie, about her boyfriend's cheatin' heart. Stacie exaggerates, but only a little, and Heidi and Spencer have another fight which leads Heidi to run off to her mom in Colorado -- again. Have these people been watching their own reruns?
LC calls out Stephanie for inviting Heidi, and she lies and says the Montag invited herself. Yeah, but who told her where the boat would be? I rest my case.
In Colorado, Heidi's mom Darlene gets her hopes up that her daughter will find a more suitable life partner, proving that at least she isn't watching reruns. She even brings out -- and this is genius -- Heidi's high school boyfriend Colby, who clearly was the only man to ever win the approval of the Montags. Yet Heidi is curiously unmoved.
Meanwhile, Brody tries to have an intervention with Spencer, telling him to grow up, but it doesn't take. Instead, Brody and LC engage in a satisfying Pratt-themed bitchfest. Does the fact that Brody's back on "The Hills" mean that "Bromance" is no more? Sadness. The episode ends with Spencer doing more tequila with Stacie the bartendress -- what, you thought he learned something on hiatus?
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· Hills Season 4 Finale: I'll Show You What a Wife Does [Jaunted]
· "The Hills"-GOP Crossover Inches Closer to Scary Reality [Jaunted]
· The Hills Season 5 coverage [Jaunted]
