The first stop: Serena tempts ex-lover Gabriel into her New York Palace Hotel nest by first claiming to be pregnant and second offering him a meal at the hotel's restaurant of two Michelin stars, Gilt. The bun in the oven rouse is quickly dropped however when Serena admits what we've known along: "I'm not pregnant, just naive."
Everyone and their moms are loitering at the Palace during this meal, apparently, as Chuck drops in for a leer when Gabriel admits that he's not the one with the Ponzi scheme money; Poppy the socialite, who's innocently playing a victim of the ill investments, actually is on the cusp of taking the dough and running.
The parents are the real victims: Since their romantic relationship dissolved long ago, it seems that Dan has given up on Serena in favor of chilling with Lily outside of Petrossian, where he lets it slip that Serena is trying to take responsibility for an "adult scandal," again. What Lily doesn't know (or much care) is how Rufus is quietly plotting a marriage proposal meal, but as usual, the kid's problems trump all and the two are kept apart until the episode's sad denouement.
Georgina really loves Jesus: She's carrying around an envelope full of beaucoup cash for the purchase of bibles for a bible camp; how is this not suspicious? As it turns out, she is not trying to buy her way back into the gang, but just wants Blair's forgiveness for treating her horridly in the past. Blair wisely uses her acceptance as leverage to get Georgina to do what she wants, which turns out to be assuming an identity like hers in order to attract socialite grifter Poppy to the promise of Texas oil money, which is actually Bible camp money. Oh, the twists.
The second stop: Poppy, smelling the chum dumped into the water, agrees to meet up with Georgina's faux Texas rich girl identity at New York society standby Russian Tea Room. Georgina, who makes it seem as though the prospect of African children downloading Kirk Cameron movies is her greatest philanthropic dream, is totally trying to get her toes in on the 3rd world WiFi action in order to tape Poppy talking about it. Since Poppy is about to hoppy to Miami, she requests cash of Georgina, who ponies up the Bible money.
All of this questionable cash exchanging happens in the dining room while at the bar, Chuck informs Blair that he is playing a love game with her and that she should just go off with Nate and be happy. But, you see, he only said that to make her happy because he knows that he, as a man in her life, could never do so. *Single tear*
That sad denouement: Lily, ever mindful of her family's honor, arranges to have Serena removed from the Russian Team Room blackmail scene by having her arrested for theft of the grandmother's bracelet. Poppy quietly slips away with the Bible cash, Blair thinks that Georgina set up the Serena arrest, and all of the careful investment reclamation plans go to hell when Lily just up and repays the victims from her own accounts, slipping Rufus some extra dividends per month so that he can better afford to send Dan to Yale.
While snooping around as Rufus is wont to do, he of course discovers the very file folder which clearly displays Lily's private scheme to slip him $5,000 a month. Lily's choice to repeat his past mistake of calling the cops on his own kid also lowers her stature with him. We end the episode outside of the 55th Precinct, where Serena is getting her mugshots taken and Chuck dazzles in a purple suit. A perfect place to end, we think, since it always comes back to this: Serena a faux felon and Chuck looking his foppiest.
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