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Uh Oh. Is It War?

January 20, 2009 at 10:33 AM | by | Comments (0)

Previously: Chuck finds a morality clause in his way to inheriting Bass Industries; Dan and Serena struggled with the concept that they might have a half-sibling, but even if they don't, their parents are totally doin' it. And a long time ago, Blair and Serena both wanted to go to Yale.

A little late, but we'll take it: Anyone at or above the age of "Gossip Girl"'s protagonist probably knows that early-decision news is a December event, not a mid-January reckoning. But this week's action-packed episode closed out one arc while neatly setting up conflicts that could consume the rest of the season. Well done, writers.

Yale is finally getting back to the students of Constance Billiard and the suspense is killing them. Blair is woken up by her dad, stepdad/model Roman and Dorota wearing Yale togs and bearing a bulldog (Yale mascot!) to celebrate the pending acceptance, even though she doesn't hear until she gets to school. The verdict: Waitlisted... a crushing blow for Queen B, who manages to find out that someone else at Constance has "her" slot in the freshman class. That someone is Serena, who is overjoyed that Dan got in but no longer sure that she would like to attend or trigger a massive rift between herself and her BFF.

When Serena discovers Yale wants to issue a press release about her acceptance, she decides to decline, making Blair overjoyed and Dan fretting about the potential distance between Providence and New Haven. (Note: It's about 2 hours on the train. Get over it!) Then again, Blair claims not to have applied to any other colleges. Great role model!

Meanwhile, Chuck's attempts to get Uncle Jack to break the morality clause for himself -- including having him tailed by trannies and attempting to order anthrax on his company credit card -- all come to naught until he pairs up with Lily, who has a better idea: Jack has taken control of Bass Industries based on his status as Chuck's guardian. But unbeknownst to him, or Chuck, the late great Bart Bass made a move to adopt Serena and Eric, and in turn to have Chuck adopted by Lily. Since the dead guy had already drawn up the papers, all his son has to do is sign to make Lily the interim head of Bass Industries.

Everyone eventually converges on the opera, which is "Tristan un Isolde" -- a recent offering of the Metropolitan Opera, although this section of the episode was clearly not filmed in the Met's home. Nate pretends to be surprised when Vanessa has bought him nosebleed seats, even though he was going to treat her to the family box -- apparently he's been dropping mad cash on her since the Archibald funds were un-frozen. (Not enough drama in this arc!) Rufus tries to impress the crowds with info Eric fed him about opera, but to no avail. And exultant, Blair decides to trick the new teacher who dared give her a B (Laura Breckenridge as Rachel Carr, fresh out of Teach for America from Alabama) by baiting her with free tickets and then promising to meet her at a closed restaurant. Out of towners! They're so gullible.

When Uncle Jack discovers that Lily and her bad reputation are in charge and he's headed back to Australia, he decides the best idea is to barricade Lily in the powder room and try to rape her. Too bad that didn't work! Once again, Charles is in charge, of our days and our nights...

Too bad Blair isn't in charge: When the headmistress finds out about her little new-teacher trick, her admittance to Yale is yanked pending a semester-long spell in detention. Oh, someone's going down for that -- possibly the same someone who seems ready to seduce Dan and his swoonworthy Brooklyn ways. Oh, it's war all right. (Episode title provided by Dorota -- <3.)

Related Stories:
· Last Week's Episode: It's So Hard Finding Obedient Minions [Jaunted]
· Earlier This Season: The Gossip Girls Visited Yale [Jaunted]
· Gossip Girl coverage [Jaunted]

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It's So Hard Finding Obedient Minions

January 13, 2009 at 9:16 AM | by | Comments (4)

Previously: Uncle Jack shows up, ostensibly to help out Chuck at this difficult time. Rufus and Lily grapple with the knowledge that they have a son, a secret Dan is forced to keep from Serena, and Blair tries to get into High Society.

In between last week's recap and this week's, we discovered our mom was watching "Gossip Girl" on DVD, in which teenagers do everything we weren't allowed to do in high school. Mom's taste runs more to "Grey's Anatomy" and "Pushing Daisies" than "90210" or "The OC," but we applaud her for trying new and potentially unsettling things. "I mean honestly," she asked, "are there 16- or 17-year-olds who drink constantly?" And she wasn't even referring to Chuck!

If we were going through what our favorite Upper East Siders went through this week, we'd probably be drinking way more. At the reading of Bart's will, Chuck discovers he will own the majority of Bass Industries--while his uncle gets Australia. Er, the Australian division.

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Where In The World Is Chuck Bass?

January 6, 2009 at 9:15 AM | by | Comments (2)

Previously: Bart Bass kicked it, making Chuck angry, Blair ready to say "I love you," Serena conflicted (but still jetting off to Brazil Argentina (thanks, eagle-eyed tipster!) with Aaron) and Lily and Rufus alone again after the revelation that they had a kid (!).

It's a new year! But the whole crowd is falling back into its old ways. Blair is getting manic about social conquest--this week, being accepted into the exclusive Colony Club. After breaking up with Aaron on the plane to Rio, Serena and Dan are back together. Jenny is back at Constance Billiard, hopefully with a backbone this time, and Chuck Bass evidently spent the hiatus smoking hash with Thai hookers.

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Hey Upper East Siders, Got A Better Spinoff Idea?

Where: New York, NY
December 12, 2008 at 9:15 AM | by | Comments (2)

Don't do it! Normally we love more of a good thing, but we just can't get behind the planned "Gossip Girl" spinoff as it was revealed to the press this week.

The CW has been fending off rumors about a spinoff of the attention-getting but ratings-challenged show about Upper East Side teenagers, but the race was on after it was leaked that one of the nine major characters would be involved. And they will, just not in this era: The new show, as yet untitled, will feature the characters of Lily and Rufus as they were in their freewheelin' teen years, about which we know that Rufus was a musician, Lily was a ballerina/party girl and (spoiler for this week's episode!) at some point they had a kid.

The benefit of this new series is that a "backdoor pilot" wouldn't really be necessary--we've already heard about their supposedly legendary love affair in the late '80s. The drawback is, we're tired of Lily and Rufus already--even though this week's episode saw them go from about to be happy at last (now that Lily's husband has kicked it) to forever doomed.

Taylor Momsen's Jenny Humphrey was previously considered as the leading candidate, since in the books Jenny goes off to boarding school (and snags a YA series of her own called "The It Girl"). That would have solved what to do with her now that she has dropped out of school, lost her internship and seen her collection destroyed. In the comments, give us your pitch for a "Gossip Girl" spinoff, bearing in mind that Dorota already got her own Webisodes.

Related Stories:
· This Week's Gossip Girl Episode [Jaunted]
· 'Gossip Girl' spinoff in development [Variety.com]
· Details of the "Gossip Girl" spinoff released [FOX News]
· Gossip Girl webisodes to feature... Dorota [Jaunted]

[Photo of Lily and Rufus from last year's season finale: Daemons TV]

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I'll Hold Back Your Hair

December 9, 2008 at 9:15 AM | by | Comments (3)

Previously: Bart was rushing to reclaim his wifey at the ball, where Blair and Chuck were concluding again that they can't be together and Serena and Dan were reminiscing about their first night together. Lily had just decided to leave him when...

We all mourn in our own ways. While Bart Bass, who had "more towers than Trump, more bucks than Bloomberg," merited both the front page of the New York Journal and the news box on Gossip Girl, he apparently didn't rate a tearful hospital scene. Instead, we dip into the Upper East Side apartments where the grieving is being done, in whatever forms it takes. Lily's mom CeCe is drinking gin with breakfast, Blair is actually eating something (bagels and lox with Cyrus, specifically) and Lily is running a zillion errands, including sneaking off into the park to meet Rufus. "I'm waiting for you this time," Rufus says. "Six months, six years, I'll be here."

And a super-wasted Chuck meets with the private investigator who, if he was in the accident with Bart, escaped with nary a scratch. He's angry at Lily, because "Bitch is the reason my father is dead," but the PI still has one secret left to sell about Lily and the hospital--and before he died, Bart left her a voicemail confirming that he knew.

At the funeral, Dan and Aaron decide to compete over who's better for Serena. Jenny shows up to support Eric (his ex-boyfriend shows later), and Nate shows up to literally support Chuck, who is drunk and throws Dan out and yells at Lily, "Don't touch me, whore."

We don't see the actual funeral, but at the wake, Cyrus decides he can't wait any longer to marry Eleanor (and Jenny happens to be around in time to offer to make a suit for a ceremony the night after). Aaron buys Serena a ticket to Buenos Aires for Christmas but she's not sure she wants to go. (Look, no one turns down a free trip to Argentina. We'd even go with Creepy Aaron.) And Lily slaps Chuck after he says Bart's blood is on her hands.

Before the wedding, Dan finally gets up the nerve to ask Serena not to go to Argentina with her boyfriend, but it's too late--and Serena already knows that Lily's in love with Rufus and feels they deserve to be together. And in this ceremony, there are no surprises... except the presence of this bridesmaid:

DOROTA!!!! Is there anything she can't do?

After brushing off Blair's plea that she loves him, Chuck won the bidding war for Lily's secret after CeCe refused to bid. Lily comes to confront Chuck about it and beg him not to damage her last chance at happiness.

At long last, he decides to burn the report. Thank goodness there are copies somewhere. And... finally! He goes to Blair, not because he's drunk or because someone else has her, but because he knows she truly loves him. But he doesn't stay, for that is the Way of the Chuck.

CeCe goes to see Rufus in Brooklyn and tells him "the real problem" is that Lily needs to tell him the secret before they can be happy. Once he finds out, he tells Dan, "I will never be with Lily." Rufus even goes to meet her in Grand Central Station to say to her, "Just tell me one thing. Is it a boy or a girl?"

We too are in mourning, for this is likely the last new "Gossip Girl" before 2009. Till then, we'll be whipping up some things for our couture lines and looking for Chuck's burlesque club. You know you love us... XOXO, Jaunted.

One-Liners of the Week:

"Nobody's comforted by a tuna tower!" - Lily

"You think I care about your failed attempt at investigative journalism?" - Chuck, to Dan

"I've just spent too much time with Cyrus and I'm turning Jewish." - Blair, on why she feels the need to comfort Chuck

"So I guess the first time we'll sleep together will be on an airplane." - Creepy Aaron (who else?)

Related Stories:
· Last Week: Smile and Fake It [Jaunted]
· Two Weeks Ago: You Have A Family That Fights For You [Jaunted]
· Gossip Girl Map [Jaunted]

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Smile and Fake It

Where: New York, NY
December 2, 2008 at 9:15 AM | by | Comments (0)

Previously: The Van der Woodsens fled to Brooklyn for Thanksgiving, Vanessa pretended not to compete with Jenny for Nate's attentions and Aaron decides to be a one-woman man for Serena.

It's time for the Senior Snowflake Charity Ball! And everyone is whipped up into a frenzy about it. Serena and Dan have both decided to go solo... then Aaron's ex Lexi (Natalie Knepp, new enough to the scene that she still has a Facebook page under her real name!) shows up and makes things super awkward. Aaron is able to purchase Serena's cooperation by agreeing to go to the ball with her, but Lexi takes a shine to Dan and decides to accompany him... and she sleeps with guys on the first date. So Serena decides to sleep with Aaron afterwards too. Ooh, competitive sex!

Lily and Bart still haven't made up from their little Thanksgiving spat. Lily doesn't seem that concerned about it, but Bart assures her that he fired the private investigator. Too bad in an easily accessible drawer she discovers this invoice:

It's funny that he's tracking Aaron, but who's Jonathan Henry? And how do we get into this business?

Jenny isn't even going to the ball, nor is she re-enrolled in school, but she gets drawn into the drama anyway. After she finds out that Vanessa is sneaking away to see Nate on Gossip Girl, she helps junior meanie Penelope sabotage V. by giving her a dress that oh-so-happens to be see-through when you shine a light on it. Preparing to re-enter the world of Constance Billiard, perhaps?

And without the slightest compulsion to go with anyone else, Blair and Chuck decide to pick each other's dates for a little friendly wager. If Chuck likes his date, Blair gets the Sex Limo for a month. If Blair likes hers, Chuck gets Dorota's services. Blair enlists Dorota to find some girls ("On Facebook! I joined a bunch of groups!") who look just like her... not that any girl could replace her in Chuck's heart.

Finally, the ball! And the decor looks just like that gallery room where Dan and Serena slept together for the first time, which must be why that night is on their minds. After an awkward conversation, Dan tells her that no matter what he does with Lexi, that was "the greatest night of my life." And Serena agrees! Man, they are so not over each other.

Jenny's little sting works on Vanessa, but not to the effects she intended: The humiliation happens, but J. is caught at the last minute trying to stop Vanessa, putting her once again out of the mean girl circle. (She then threatens to return to school, which... is a given, right?) And even though Nate finds out about the letter Vanessa kept from Jenny, he still wants to be with his sweet Brooklynite, even though the costume designers continue to put her in hoop earrings. Seriously, what is with the hoop earrings? They are not edgy and they're a lazy trademark for a character who would be too cool to wear them in real life.

Blair and Chuck's plan also backfires, but hilariously! See, Blair found Chuck a faux-Blair, and Chuck found Blair a faux-Chuck. How close are they?

Who knew there were Bass knockoffs out there? That's the only kind we can afford... Then the doppelgangers make out, which only makes Blair angry because even they can work it out while she and Chuck can't. Chuck just looks into the distance and manages to make an Elvis-style sparkly jacket look hot. Oh, Chuck.

And Lily and Rufus are supposed to be chaperoning this business, but instead she's obsessing about her divorce and he's trying to express to her why he didn't try to stop the marriage. But meanwhile, across town, Bart is racing to her side... until he gets into an accident. And that's where it ends -- damn you, writers! Where is our comeuppance?

Related Stories:
· Last Week: "You Have A Family That Fights For You" [Jaunted]
· Two Weeks Ago: "That Tiny Man Must Have Some Big Secret" [Jaunted]
· Last Year's Ball: Lonelyboy Versus The Blueblood [Jaunted]

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You Have A Family That Fights For You

November 18, 2008 at 9:20 AM | by | Comments (0)

Previously: Serena let herself be talked into an open relationship (which on this show is apparently code for "white slavery") with Creepy Aaron; Bart Bass tried to hide his wife's scandalous past; Jenny contemplated divorcing her parents; and Captain Archibald fled the country. "Nate the Not So Great"? It's not like it was his fault!

Who is that man with the cowl neck?

Four tales of family dysfunction here unfold, but only one of them involves the FBI. Captain Archibald is secretly back from Dominica and he wants Nate and his mum to go to the island with him. Or does he?! After Vanessa has a run-in with an FBI agent, Nate finds out his dad is actually planning to hold them hostage in exchange for money from his Vanderbilt grandparents to keep living on the lam. "If you can't do the right thing, I can't respect you," Nate tells his dad, for the benefit of Chace Crawford's Emmy reel. "You be a man and turn yourself in when they get here."

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That Tiny Man Must Have Some Big Secret

November 11, 2008 at 9:21 AM | by | Comments (0)

Don't get caught in your own "Bonfire of the Vanity." Know where you're headed with our Gossip Girl Map.

Previously: Jenny moved out to focus on her career as a designer and Serena met Creepy Aaron.

Blair's birthday party last year featured sake shots and Guitar Hero. This year's affair seemed like a stuffy meet'n'greet in comparison, except for...

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You Have To Admire Her Determination

November 4, 2008 at 9:15 AM | by | Comments (2)

"There Might Be Blood" but there's always drama where "Gossip Girl" looks. Keep it down to a level you can maintain with our Gossip Girl Map.

Previously: Nate took up residence with the Humphreys and kissed Jenny, who quit her job under the influence of Bad Model Agnes. And speaking of bad influences, Blair spent an entire show trying to get Chuck to sleep with her but eventually concludes (more on his side than hers) that they can't be together. Meanwhile, Serena meets a new guy--oh please oh please, let him have a dark sketchy past!

She's dropped out of school. She's dropped out of work. What's Jenny's next big plan for world domination? Staging a guerrilla fashion show by paying an unplanned visit to an Upper East Side gala. (She sneaks in by giving the name "Erica Van Der Woodsen"... because "sometimes they forget the A." Well played.) After kissing her, Nate is AWOL, but there's no time to dwell on it with a whole collection to plan.

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I Waited on the Helipad for You

October 28, 2008 at 9:30 AM | by | Comments (4)

"Gossip Girl" wardrobes have you feeling like "Pret-a-Poor-J"? Shop with the best with our Gossip Girl Map.

Previously: Blair can't bring herself to say "I love you" to Chuck; Jenny quits school to work at the Eleanor Waldorf atelier full-time, and Nate temporarily moves in with the Humphreys.

We never really understood the parental objections to "Gossip Girl" until the opening of this week's episode, in which Blair is... hmm... "reminiscing" about good times in the limo with Chuck when Dorota comes in to wake her up. "I'll be down in a minute," she calls, "I just have to finish something." Hey parents, have you talked to your kids about sex?

But to paraphrase "Romeo and Juliet," what satisfaction canst Blair and Chuck have? Only the knowledge that the world might end if they actually got together.

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Gossip Girl Travel: Zero to Brady in Sixty Seconds

October 21, 2008 at 9:22 AM | by | Comments (0)

Find "Chuck in Real Life" with our Gossip Girl Map.

Previously: Blair was pretty well chuffed when she discovered that her boyfriend was sleeping with his stepmom; Nate and Dan became fast friends at Yale. Is Chuck "A New Lonelyboy"? Is Gossip Girl high right now?

Bart Bass is back in town and he's determined that his high society family look like the picture of closeness for their housewarming party (at which, coincidentally, some Midwestern investors with a premium on family values will be in attendance). For Serena, Erik and Chuck, that means new rules which for normal teenagers would be no big deal. But how can you expect Manhattan's elite to not go out on school nights? And a curfew? The horror... the horror.

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Gossip Girl Travel: You've Slept With More Maxim Covers Than John Mayer

October 14, 2008 at 9:20 AM | by | Comments (0)

"New Haven Can Wait"--take New York in our Gossip Girl Map.

Previously: Serena became the toast of New York after appearing in Blair's mom's fashion show and Jenny decided to drop out of school to work at the atelier.

College trip! The richest kids in town are all off to Yale University to hopefully peek into their futures--of ruling the school (Blair), becoming a great writer (Dan) and sleeping with horny women's studies majors (Chuck).

Serena wasn't even going to hit Yale--she's more of a Brown girl--but she decides to go just to screw Blair out of the spot she thinks she deserves. And it's not going to go as well as the time they were 9 and tackled Chuck Schumer's daughter at the Harvard-Yale game.

This episode forced us to suspend our disbelief more than any other, not least because the Yale sections were clearly filmed at Columbia. And yet... it's comforting to know that when it comes to college, even Manhattan socialites don't have it easy.

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